Next week we're having our carpets and tile cleaned, a long overdue adventure! Under the spare bed is a large plastic storage bin filled with clothes. I haven't looked in it for almost 5 years since it was first shoved, out of site - out of mind under the bed.
Dust bunnies flew off like favored friends when I tugged and pulled and finally got it free. Oh the distress of dust! Why can't it just find another home to invade?
I had thoroughly intended to sort through and pass on the 'good' clothes, ones that had few traces of wear and tear and would appeal (still) to someone else's wardrobe. So I drug the plastic tote (now mind you this thing isn't just a little tote, it's 4 feet long and almost 2 feet wide with wheels underneath) to my bedroom, (watching as dust floated here and there). After removing the tell tale traces of my poor housekeeping I opened the lid and pulled out a nice vest, hmmm, they still make these don't they?
Amazingly though it, the vest, had shrunk, not just a little but my word, A LOT! Who in God's name fit into this, oh wait, was that me in another life time???? OK, let's just shove that little piece of offending cloth back inside the box and pick something else. These pants are nice, I remember this nice taupe color and the soft texture of the material, but again, so small. OK now I'm pissed, I don't want to look at anymore clothes today. I'll just drag this into my main closet and put all my shoes on top.
But I've seen inside!!!
I've been reminded!!!
Life has hit me smack in the face!!!
Somehow, over the course of the last ten years I've become the old me, the one I said I'd never let overtake my body again. I've become the LARGE person, the BIG BONED person, the OVERWEIGHT person, the ...... oh God................ the FAT person yet again!!!
It really isn't a surprise, I'd like to say it is, but it's with me every waking moment, and I mean every day - every hour moments. I go to bed at night hoping I wake up in the morning. I get up in the morning promising myself a new day, a new me, a day in CONTROL! And then morning starts --- the day begins and here I go again.
So let's get this post back on track, somewhat anyway. The plastic tote is now stuck in my inner camera, that little piece of your brain that says, WAIT I saw that and I'm not forgetting it either. As long as the tote stayed under the bed gathering dust bunnies it was only a figment of my past, now it's as bold and big as all outdoors and screaming at my inner child within me.
So as I'm taking my shower, combing hairs, putting on a new face, I'm thinking this is a sign, what to do; what to do. "Make a blog:" that little demon voice says. Just yesterday my youngest was telling me again at how good I am at putting words to paper (or pixel as the case may be). Perhaps another (yes I already have 3 blogs) blog would help me put my fears and insecurities to rest.
Amazing I thought as a kid when I 'matured' -- 'grew up' -- 'became an adult' I wouldn't have all that baggage of those little voices inside telling me what to do and how to do it. But they still are there, still ranting eat this, you need that, just one little bite. I actually HATE them, no lie, I HATE those little buggers, if I could drag them to the outside I'd drown them with no adverse feelings at all.
So here I am, sitting at the keyboard letting the words flow. Will it be a daily outlet? Who knows, but for today, it's a positive step in a much needed direction. A stand up and take your medicine type of approach. Amazing how we can turn a blind eye to the things we don't want to face; the things we have difficulty changing.
So Goal 1:
I'm in charge, NOT the bugger voices pleading with me to give in and eat.
I'm in charge, I make the decisions!
I DO NOT have to listen to the demon voices pleading with me to get up and stuff an already full face!
I can do it, I can be the strong one.
After alll I'm the flesh and blood and they are just random thoughts, if I say no long enough they'll get the hint and move on elsewhere leaving my brain at peace.
Until next time, think positive and tell those little negative buggers in your brain to get out and stay out!
Hugs, Patti
